2019 has brought more questions than answers. And to be quite honest, I thought it would be just the opposite.
My world shattered open this year. I really thought I was going to tie it up in a neat little bow.
Here’s what happened: on the first day of 2019 I decided to end my relationship of six years. There were a few issues that were big and bothering me, but mostly I did it because I had a deep gut feeling that this wasn’t it. I saw myself in five years fighting the same battles and I didn’t want that.
Second big life change: I moved back to the Midwest. Somehow I didn't see this breakup fully happening without a complete removal of myself from the situation. I also felt the pull to reconnect with family and friends that I had become distant with.
I road tripped from Washington State back to Chicago. I did the first half of my trip on my own, which was an experience in itself. I drove through literal mountains and snow storms. I found myself in the shadiest Motel 6 in remote New Mexico where I was one of the only women, one of the only white people and listened to a domestic dispute in the room next to me all night. I proved to myself how resilient I was - how I could drive by myself for 13 hours, handle anything the road threw at me, navigate the unknown safely. It was an incredible high punctuated by moments of absolute beauty on the road.
My brother flew out and met me in Albuquerque to drive the rest of the way back to Chicago. That time with him was priceless. We drove and adventured and endured a car break down in the middle of Oklahoma in 14 degree weather (on his birthday - poor dude). We also went to an amazing hot springs resort in New Mexico, ate ridiculously good barbecue in Oklahoma City, and got birthday beers at a Ruby Tuesday’s in Missouri.
Then I was here. Not quite where I grew up, but close. Living in my mother’s house that she bought with her fiancé the year before (very grateful for this safe landing pad 🙏). I got a dog. I got a “real” job. I turned 30.
I didn’t know exactly what my plan was, but I trusted it would be revealed to me as I went along, staying dedicated to my practices, my mental health, my physical health. Nine months later, I’m still waiting for that plan to be revealed to me and I’m slowly realizing I might need to take a little more action than I have been. I keep thinking this or that will pull me in one direction or another. I get a job somewhere else. A romantic pursuit that’s been in limbo will help me steer my course.
But the scariest thing I’ve realized is: it’s up to me. I’ve got to make the moves. I can’t wait for the wind to blow me one way or the other, I can't let someone else’s feelings about me dictate whether I’ll stay here or go somewhere else.
I’ve had countless breakthroughs and epiphanies this year. See - it’s not like I’ve been doing nothing. I’ve really dedicated myself to my spirituality, my healing, my personal growth. That’s hard to see from the outside and even harder to explain to people. But this time of discomfort and confusion is a container for growth, as painful as that is sometimes.
I’ve realized that my identities really dictate how I navigate this world and if I want to live a whole-hearted life I have to let go of some of these identities. And the process of separating ourselves from how we identify and present ourselves to the world is really fucking painful. For me some of the big ones are:
I’ve always prided myself on being reliable - this isn’t always in my best interest since sometimes I will disregard my own needs and boundaries to maintain my identity of being reliable.
I’m not messy. “I have my shit together” - this has been an image I’ve always put out and people have always told me that I “have my shit together”. Well guess what? I don’t and I’m not going to waste my energy creating the image of togetherness. Feelings are messy, life is messy and I'm no exception. I’ve kept it clean so that it’s easier for other people to stomach.
I don’t know if I ever put out the image that I know exactly what I’m doing career wise but I think most people know that I love health, food and nutrition. But this is another area of my life that has broken open - I have so many interests. I love being outside, in nature. I love hiking. I love writing. I love teaching. I love speaking and hosting workshops. I love meditation, mindfulness yoga, kundalini. How do I make this into my life’s work? I’m working on it. The more I search for jobs and opportunities, the more I’m hit with the realization that I don’t see myself fitting in on any kind of traditional career path. I think I’m going to have to make my own. And that’s scary as shit.
Allowing myself to be messy and full of unknowns and being honest with people about it all is terrifying. I’ve always been “fine” and going forward, all I want is to be honest. I’m not fine. Most of us aren’t - and that is OKAY. Does that mean I’m unhappy? Absolutely not. That’s a practice I’ve also been cultivating this year - feeling good and grateful even if my circumstances aren’t what I want them to be and trusting that what I want will be mine and that these periods of discomfort are a necessary part of the process. I also find so much joy in the little things - time with Hank (my dog), nature walks, running, my morning bevvie, meditation, journaling, reading, nights out with friends.
No one knows what they’re doing, we’re all figuring it out and I’d love for us all the be a little more messy and honest about.
One a different note, it has been such a gift to spend time with my family and friends here. That has truly been the highlight. I’m also grateful for all the amazing people and new friends I’ve made here.
This has been a hell of year and I’m so ready for the next one.
I also wanted to leave you with some of the books that have really helped me along my path this year. These are great no matter where you are in your spiritual/life journey, but especially wonderful if you’re going through a weird time:
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
Super Attractor by Gabrielle Bernstein
Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Wishing you all a wonderful 2020 - here’s to taking your power back and creating the life you want to live 💕
